Group Reflection
Documentation for anyone wanting to reflect with a recurring group of people
This is part 6 in a series of Notion pages I wrote as part of introducing crewing to the Commons in SF.
This one has a TODO towards the end that I’d like to clarify, hopefully will get to in the coming weeks.
More disclaimers here:
Link to official Commons documentation
So you lead/are part of a group that meets regularly with the same folks and want to reflect!
Reflecting as a group is crucial for growth, learning, nipping conflict in the bud, and nurturing meaningful connections. Just like individuals and romantic partners reflect to improve themselves and their relationship, groups must engage in reflection to ensure longevity and a positive experience for all members.
I’m hopeful that this becomes a regular practice for crews, guilds, and any sort of recurring group at the Commons, including the Commons itself.
Why?
To facilitate open communication, understanding, and bonding
To metabolize small tensions before they escalate into something more painful & difficult
To prevent problems from festering and causing the group to drift apart
To celebrate successes, appreciate one another, and reinforce the group's purpose
Reflection is foundational for self-improvement, whether for individuals or groups
Agile/Scrum prioritizes retrospectives at the end of each sprint for this reason
What?
There’s all sorts of angles to reflect from/on:
What we do together
Nuts and bolts, logistics
What’s been effective, what’s been effective
Action items
How we are together - How has it been to be together?
How we communicate with each other
How we (really) feel about each other
What we love, celebrate, appreciate, are grateful, excited about with each other
What’s made us confused, angry, sad, jealous, afraid about/with each other, how we’ve hurt each other
What we can and can’t talk about
What roles we play in the group
How we (really) feel about the group as an entity, a 3rd thing
Who we are together - what has this meant to me?
What role we play in each others lives
How we’ve been impacted by the group
What role the group plays in our lives
What being part of the group says about me
How we’ve impacted the group
What we want in the future
What we ourselves want
What we want to do together
What we want to commit to
What we can’t commit to
What we’re saying goodbye to
How we want to feel
What role we want to have in each others lives
How?
For this I’ll assume a crew sized group (3-6 people), and add notes at the end to adapt for larger group sizes.
Set aside dedicated time, whether it’s regularly every, say, 6-8 weeks, or just 10-15 minutes at the end of meetings.
A sample agenda:
Intro (why we’re doing this, how you feel, maybe a lil check in)
Choose a few questions from the above list to discuss together for N min
Less intimate groups can start with lighter logistics/process reflections
For more intimate groups, you can go deeper into feelings, roles, impacts
Individual feedback exercise
For each person:
They share a reflection of how they’ve showed up in the group (X min)
The group shares feedback about how the person has shown up (Y min)
They share some possible action items (Z min)
Classical tech retro (good bad better, start stop continue, etc.)
End with
Gratitude
Action items and commitments for improvements
For 7+ people
Ideally, most of the discussion happens in small groups, so split people up into 3-5 person groups, particularly for question discussion and individual feedback. If it’s possible to group people, putting people that know each other better together is preferable.
People often want to know what’s going on in the broader group, so between exercises, bringing people back for a few minutes of popcorn sharing with the full group can be nice.
An elegant format that rolls up small group discussion with popcorn sharing is 1-2-4-All, particularly for answering questions. It doesn’t allow for as much depth, though you could change the timing, but is quite efficient.
Elephant in the Room
Why aren’t you doing this already?
In my experience, there are reasons groups don’t have these conversations - in general, they can be scary, hard, vulnerable, even painful. What if someone doesn’t like my leadership? What if my feedback is taken poorly? What if the skeleton in the closet gets brought out and we get stuck in an old loop? As someone who spent most of my life very conflict avoidant, I relate deeply (and still do) to these concerns.
Another “failure mode” is that nothing of substance actually gets discussed. Even during the activity where the intention is to speak to the elephant in the room, it doesn’t happen. This is why it’s important to create a supportive container for vulnerable sharing. With crews, the case clinics that I suggest are a way to start seeding that culture of support and openness. In particular, it’s important for those with power, in leadership, to model the vulnerability and openness that they want to see.
I can offer some tips/tools that I’ve found quite helpful, but on some level, some leap of faith/act of courage is necessary here. Hopefully things like slowly building trust, shared commitment, support from other group mates and folks/liason at the Commons, and regular opportunities to share, the leaps can feel smaller.
Two tips that I’ve found helpful, really for any difficult conversation in any context:
Sharing meta feelings before saying the thing - “I want to say something but I’m afraid it’ll hurt you, I’m afraid you’ll judge me for it, I’m confused what to say, etc.”
Check for impact after - ask “how is it to hear me say that?”
There’s another bucket of scary things to say: earnestly sharing our love and fondness of each other.
Think back to a time when you first said “I love you” to someone you were dating. For me, when I’ve done so, it’s unlocked so much energy, giddiness, excitement, and of course, expression of love. It made me feel good and excited and aligned to do things and act in ways that showed my love and affection, rather than worry about “how will it be interpreted? Will it come on too strong?” In my experience, the same is true in a group.
I spent a month or 2 with my Lisbon crew living in Bali. Before the first of our crew had to leave, we had a conversation together about how we related to the crew. The conversation was a beautiful outpouring of love - “I haven’t had a group of friends like this since school, I never thought I’d have this again, this group helps me feel safe and connected even in new environments and hard times”. I think this conversation was pivotal in shifting the collective conversation from “this was cool” to “let’s do it again”. We’re planning a reunion for late summer this year.
Some Takeaways
Embed regular retrospectives
Practice, trust, and connection make reflection easier over time
Skipping reflection risks unresolved grievances building up over time
Open reflection unlocks energy, commitment and longevity for the group
The key is creating a routine practice of pausing, discussing group dynamics holistically, and leaving with clear action steps to adjust behaviors and processes as needed. This allows your group to keep learning and evolving together.
“How to Retro/Retrospective” Sesh
This was an attempt to teach how to do a reflection session. This did not go very well lmao.
TODO: Write up the difference between reflection on “we together” and “harvesting learnings from our parallel experiences”
Check ins, experience running retros
Intro
Some questions - triads (30 min)
What we love, celebrate, appreciate, are grateful, excited about with each other
What’s made us confused, angry, sad, jealous, afraid about/with each other, how we’ve hurt each other
What we can and can’t talk about
How we (really) feel about the group as an entity, a 3rd thing
Individual feedback - triads (30 min)
They share a reflection of how they’ve showed up in the group (3 min)
The group shares feedback about how the person has shown up (3 min)
They share some possible action items (3 min)
Retro (action oriented) (30 min) - good, bad, better
Closing